


it's not enough

by uglypapi (babeRuthless)



Category: Nova Lux (D&D), Original Work
Genre: Confessions, Other, Secret Relationship, antagonist!sol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babeRuthless/pseuds/uglypapi
Summary: To make me whole / It's not enough, it never was / Awake my soul / It's not enough, it never was
Relationships: Sol/Swen
Kudos: 2





	it's not enough

**Author's Note:**

> bro this was my FIRST NOVA LUX PIECE!! i wrote this all in one night back when corvin and i were first entertaining the idea of sol and swen. it is one of my favorites i've written for this couple and it's very special to me. 
> 
> inspired by *drum roll* it's not enough by the modern post
> 
> also we got capitalization here get fucking PUMPED

“Huh, I kind of wanted a top bunk.” Sol mused. Everyone settled into their own beds, busy in their own worlds. Swen had just put his things on the top bunk when he looked over his shoulder to Sol. They looked exhausted from the long journey and walking on eggshells around the others. 

“Well,” he began, turning back to his things. “I’m not about to give up my top bunk, but I am willing to share.” He was half-joking, just trying to lighten the mood, but he honestly didn’t mind trading if Sol really wanted it.

Sol’s face was unreadable, contemplating the offer slowly. Swen was afraid he might have overstepped a boundary and was about to take it back when Sol smirks and shakes their head.

“Aren’t we a little too old to be sleeping in the same bed like kids?” They ask and their smile is infectious because Swen can’t help but smile back.

“ _Greg_ , buddy, the key is to stay young at heart. And I meant we take turns taking the top bunk, but if you want some company I can do that too.” and Sol laughed. Swen perked up, enjoying getting a reaction out of the other. He enjoyed entertaining the rest of the party with his humor, but Sol always made it feel like they were in on the joke with him. It was nice sharing the stage with someone.

“Can’t argue with that _Phineas_ , but if you snore too loud I’m kicking you out.”

“You can’t kick me out, it’s my bed! ‘Sides, Val says I snore like a piccolo, it’s beautiful. Ain’t that right Val?” He calls over and Val glances over, only catching half the conversation.

“Uh, sure Swen. If that’s how you want to describe it.” He answers with faint amusement. 

“See? And if you’re nice I’ll even snore you a little song.”

“Do you take requests?”

“Only lullabies, to set the mood.”

“Like a true artist.”

With their belongings piled together on the bottom bunk, Swen climbs up first.

“If you’re going to share, wouldn’t it make more sense to sleep on the bottom bunk? It could be dangerous having all that weight on top.” Mena looks over cautiously. Swen shrugs.

“Maybe, but that’s not nearly as fun.”

Mena smiles softly. “Just be safe, you two.”

“Yes, ma’am.” They both answer and chuckle to each other.

“Now now, let’s get some sleep, shall we?” Meli says, hushing everyone and blowing out the candles and suddenly, it was dark. They made themselves comfortable, both settling on their sides politely with backs to each other.

Finally having a shelter inside wrapped the party up in the comfort of safety. There was still lingering anxiety poking at the back of Swen’s mind, the nature of their adventures not letting him put his guard down quite yet, but the warmth next to him helped soften the edges.

Autumn was settling in and left the room comfortably cool, yet Swen felt flushed. When he was a kid, he was constantly climbing into bed to cuddle with his family. What began as seeking comfort soon just became the new normal. He eventually grew out of it but was never afraid to come to them if he needed it. 

When the nightmares came back after fighting Sir Willis, the hardest part was waking up with nowhere to go. He’s been struggling to cope on his own and has been opting to simply stay awake some nights; so with someone next to him, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

They were close, Sol sleeping just an inch or two away, but inches were miles on a map and this felt just as far. Swen pulled the blanket and shifted onto his back. His arm closed the gap and grazed Sol’s back. He listened intently for a reaction. Sol didn’t seem to notice, or if they did they didn’t seem to mind. Swen let out a slow exhale, not realizing he was holding his breath.

It’s the first time in weeks he closes his eyes and doesn’t see a war behind his eyelids. No magic, no fighting, no killing. Instead, he dreams of home. 

-//-

After that night, Sol and Swen always seem to find themselves sleeping close to each other. Even when they camp, Swen can’t help but gravitate his things to be next to Sol. As he shakes out his bedroll, he catches eye contact with Lydia fixing up the campfire. She’s trying to hide a smile, like she knows something that Swen doesn’t. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“What?”

She hums, amused. “You’re adorable Swen, truly.” She dotes and he feels heat on the back of his neck.

“Oh yeah? What makes you say that?” he asked and she waves it off.

“You just are.” she doesn’t explain, and Swen doesn’t push. Instead, he takes a seat on his bedroll and digs through his bag. He finds his journal and flips to an empty page. 

“You just watch what you’re doing with that fire,” he teased. “I’m trying to grow a beard, I can’t have you cookin’ off all my progress.” He adds and scratches at his scruff to make a point. Lydia’s face goes red and she smiles sheepishly, still a little embarrassed about the fireball incident. He laughs. “Only kiddin’. You can cook it off if you don’t like it.”

“Swen!” she laughs too before retreating back to her own setup.

The night air is crisp with the cusp of winter on them. Swen still has his journal open, but he’s too distracted to write. He splits his attention between watching the fire dance to keep them warm and watching Meli and Holi ready themselves for the first shift. 

“Too bad you don’t have down feathers, Meli! It’s been getting really cold at night.” Holly chirped, and Meli smiled softly.

“I’ll be alright Holly; a little cool air is good for clearing the mind.” She said and Holly chattered on.

“Speak for yourself,” Sol said quietly and snapped Swen from his thoughts. “Last night was freezing! Good thing I can make you my personal furnace, right?” And with that, Sol nudged their bedroll over so that the mats were touching. His heart skipped a beat for a moment, caught off guard.

“Right.” He said distractedly, before pulling his thoughts back together. “I think my body knows winter is coming so it’s getting ready to hibernate, must be why I radiate heat when I sleep.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve always been like that.”

“I never said the logic was unflawed.” and they both laughed. Swen shut his journal and decided he’ll just write tomorrow.

“Hey Swen,” Sol starts as Swen tosses the journal back into his bag. “What are you always writing about in there? If you don’t mind me asking.” Swen shrugged.

“Just writing some letters for my moms, telling them about what we’re up to. Whenever I go back home, I know they’re gonna want to hear everything and I’m not the best at telling stories, so I figured I’ll let them read through this.” He explains. _And if something ever happens to me, they’ll know I was always thinking of them._ He thinks but keeps that to himself. Sol hums.

“Do you ever miss Brooklynne? It sounds like a good place from what you’ve told us,” they asked and Swen shrugged.

“I do, all the time, but I think you gotta leave home sometimes in order to really appreciate it. And having all you guys makes it easier; with you on the team, it almost feels like I have a second family.” And Sol chokes on an embarrassed laugh.

“Geez, Swen! Have you no shame? Your level of honesty amazes me.” and Swen laughs at that.

“What? I just say what’s on my mind, that’s all.” He says, feeling a little embarrassed now as well. They’re quiet for a moment before Swen speaks up again. 

“Hey, Sol…” He trails off and they look over. “Do you think I’m adorable?”

Sol laughs out loud. “Where did that come from?” and Swen smiles widely, enjoying the sound.

“Just asking! Lyddie said I was but wouldn’t say why.” And Sol laughed more.

“You are too much right now, I’m going to bed,” they said, pulling their blanket up to lay down. Swen does the same.

“So that’s a _yes_ then?”

“That’s an _absolutely_.” They say, but their back is turned so Swen can’t read their expression. He huffs out another small laugh and rolls on his side too. He lays there for a moment before adjusting his blanket and tossing some over Sol. They peek over their shoulder.

“In case you get cold,” Swen says over his own shoulder. Sol shakes their head.

“Adorable.” They mutter and they both giggle under their breaths. His chest feels warm and he falls asleep with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

-//-

Spring rips through them with a thunderstorm, and the wind whips them into the closest tavern. With their funds depleting faster than they can replenish, they cut corners and everyone divvies up to share a bed. Swen and Sol pair up easily.

The storm woke him up a few times throughout the night, but he didn't mind. The thunder and rain calmed him while the lightning performed for him. When he jolted up from a deeper sleep, he found Sol curled around him. They wound up like this sometimes, spooned together under the sheets. It was cold/there’s not enough room/it’s just more comfortable/some other excuse writes off the action and it’s never brought up in the morning. Swen could feel their steady breathing against his neck, and he assumes they must still be sleeping. His heartbeat pounded in his eardrums and rattled against his ribcage. He wondered if Sol could feel it, or if maybe Sol’s was doing the same. Thunder cracked around them and Swen could have sworn he heard his own name. He doesn’t know if he really felt lips move against his hairline, or if he was still dreaming. He turned slowly, not wanting to wake them, only to see Sol staring back at him. They share a moment, the electricity hanging between them putting the thunderstorm to shame. 

“What?” Swen asks softly, voice rough from sleep. Lightning floods the room and their pupils dilate. Sol glances down and his lips and is quiet for a moment, and Swen licks his lips nervously. They hold eye contact before Sol rolls over.

“Goodnight.” They say and Swen frowns, unhappy with that answer.

The next morning brings clear skies, and neither of them speak of what happened. 

-//-

Summer is thick and heavy, weighing down on Nova Lux. Two years of being on an endless adventure has given them a lifetime of stories and wonder, but it has also left them with scars and a growing list of enemies. They’ve saved so many people--entire towns, entire _countries_ \--yet Swen feels like it’s not enough. He can’t go home yet, he has one more to save. They’re all setting up camp when Swen finds the note in his journal.

_Meet me at the river._

_Don’t tell them._

There’s no signature, though Swen knew who it was from before he even opened it. He hangs his head and lets the words sink in and resonate against his chest. If he wasn’t such a fool, he’d pretend he never saw it. He pushes himself up and wanders around camp to look busy.

“Man, what a day.” He says easily, poking the fire. No one responds, busy in their own worlds, and he smiles. It’s nice how some things never change. He tosses the note in the fire and waits until it burns to ashes. “We’re gonna need more firewood,” He comments. “I wanna go for a walk anyway, so I’ll grab some. We need anything else?” He asks. Lydia shakes her head, seemingly the only one who heard. 

“Just firewood is fine. Do you need some help? It might be dangerous to go alone.” She begins to stand, but Swen puts a hand on her shoulder to ease her back down.

“Relax Lydia. I can take care of myself.” He smiles but Lydia looks at him with sad eyes and she knows it's bullshit. “I just need a little air. I’ll bring my swords with me.” He tells her quietly. She places her hand over his, and nods.

“Okay.” She whispers. “Let us know if you need us.” He nods.

He goes out of his way to go down the river to make sure no one can detect anything. The last thing he needs is Val and Meli to show up for justice. He’s too tired for that.

He kneels by the water and looks out, letting himself get lost in thought. It’s been a while since he had some alone time.

“You finally grew that beard.” He heard from behind him. He doesn’t turn.

“They want to kill you.” He says instead. There’s silence before he hears a sigh and the voice moves to sit next to him.

“I know.” Sol sighs. “I figured.”

“Then what are you doing so close to camp? You know Val runs Detect Evil.”

“Ouch,”

“Why are you here, Sol?”

“I had to see you.” 

_Then you shouldn’t have left_. Sol sighs again and leans back to look up at the sky. “C’mon, I know you don’t have long and I don’t want to spend this whole time arguing. Let’s just forget about all of this for a minute and just...be.”

And Swen is angry. There is so much he has to say, so much he wants to know, but the anger fizzles out as soon as he turns to look at Sol and sees how much sadness there is. “Please.”

Swen counts to 10 in his head before sighing as well and lays back in the dirt. The skies are dark out here, and the stars seem endless. Sol lays back with him and for a moment, they enjoy the peace. The moon is full above them and crickets chirp around them. The world almost feels normal again. Swen turns his head to stare at the elf next to him. He’s committed the slope of their nose and the curve of their lips to memory, he swears he knows it by heart.

“I loved you,” Swen says softly. Sol’s head whips over. “I loved you. You knew that, right?” Sol looks hesitant, but with wide, watery eyes they nod.

“You always were a hopeless romantic.”

And he still loves them, he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. Swen couldn’t help but tear up too.

“I just wanted to love you, Sol. But you wouldn’t let me.”

“I didn’t know how. I-I didn’t know how to have that without the risk of losing you.”

“You lost me either way.”

“But I’m here now, Swen. So please just,” They held their breath and looked away. Swen sniffled and looked back up to the sky. The air was very delicate around them, something hanging between them. The skies were clear but it felt just like that thunderstorm from so long ago brewing between them. Swen closed his eyes.

“Do you know how many times we sat like this, and I wished I kissed you?” Swen asked.

“Do you know how many times I wish you did?” Sol asked back and Swen couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Even now?” He asked. Sol didn’t say anything, but when he turned his head they were staring directly at him. They glanced down at his lips and Swen’s heart skipped wildly. 

“Especially now.”

Swen pushed himself onto his elbow and leaned over before he could think twice. His mind is spinning with possibilities of getting caught, possibilities of what they could have been, possibilities of how this should have gone. He leans in and Sol meets him halfway. Swen’s mind stills when their lips meet. The kiss is short and full of nerves. When they part, Swen’s eyes dart wildly across Sol’s face, trying to read an answer. Sol did the same before slowly reaching up and cupping their hands around his face, and pulled him back in. Swen nodded and kissed again, this time both of them feeling sure. Swen poured every emotion he could into Sol and they drank it up. Time swam between them and they had only been kissing for a few minutes, but Swen could have sworn it was a lifetime before they pulled away. He would have liked to spend a lifetime kissing Sol.

He pulled back in a daze, breathing hard and feeling out of focus. He squeezed the hand resting on their hip, unsure where to go from here. He had to leave soon. They couldn’t stay here forever. He rested his head down on their chest and Sol brought their hands up to play with his hair. Their heart slammed against Swen’s ears and he took a deep breath.

“Dammit.” They uttered under their breath.

“Will I see you again?” He asked quietly. Sol sighed and shrugged.

“I’ll know where to find you,” Sol said, pointedly not answering the question. Swen decided he didn’t want to know the answer. He pushed himself off the ground and helped pull Sol up. This time Swen reached and cupped their face and in the moonlight, he could see their eyes were still puffy and red.

“You don’t have to do this.” Swen tried. Sol smiled sadly and leaned in for another kiss; it felt like a goodbye. They rested their hands on his wrists.

“I love you, too.” They whispered. Swen’s eyes watered up all over again.

“I miss you.”

“I know.” They stepped away and were gone in an instant. The chirps of the grasshoppers were deafening in the new silence and Swen slowly made his way back.


End file.
